when i was a kid we got a miniature poodle, coco. my primary impression of him was annoyance; he had the soul of a big dog, protective and loyal, condensed into the body of a yappy little creature. it struck me as a crime against nature that we bred wolves into miniature poodles. also, he bit me a lot. sibling rivalry you know, he was my sister's dog.

he died a couple of years ago; after azzize, before blacky. before my dad. tonight i was talking to my mom about who might have greeted my dad as he entered paradise, and i said that coco would probably be the first one to meet him. he always did run to greet us; he was always eager. my mom laughed in faint horror; if coco's the first one to greet him, he'll probably turn around and leave. he was never much for dogs either, especially the yappy little ones. told me it was hereditary; arabs prefer cats.

thing is, i'm not sure that coco would look like a yappy little dog in paradise. i've been thinking about this all week. i doubt that his image of himself matched the way i saw him. i know he was fiercely loyal, and fiercely protective of my sister. he also clearly saw himself as the boss of the family in many ways. i'm not even sure that he saw himself as a dog, he often seemed to think that he was human.

so i've been trying to imagine who would greet my dad on the way in, and i'm picturing coco in the body of james earl jones.

"he wouldn't recognize him!" my mom gasp/laughed.

but the beauty of it is, he would.

now i don't really think of paradise in quite such a literal way. it's nice for cartoons, but i believe that what happens to us after we die is unknowable. that our biology is limited, our minds aren't big enough to hold some things. but if it is anything, it is being reunited with the souls we love. seeing them for how they truly are, knowing them. without the judgment that stems from fear, without the need for competition or protectiveness that disrupts at least my human relationships.

if i'm right, when i die i will be greeted by the souls of my father, and my cat, and my uncle, and yes even my cat. and i don't know what it will look like, but i know they will be beautiful.